My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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