Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
