if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
