I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
