just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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