The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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