Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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