My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
