Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
