my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
