genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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