I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
