i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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