hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
