i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
