I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
These 23 People Share the Worst Advice They’ve Been Given
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING