before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
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She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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