i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
