Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
