Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Randomize
