you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
