LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
