Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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