im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
