see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's blow job season.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
