So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
