You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
