"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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