so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
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the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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