guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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