I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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