i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
