Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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