i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
