My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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