he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
