your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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