I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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