i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
