i already hear my dad disowning me
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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