He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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