I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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