i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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