just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
