just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
