she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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