First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
