wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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