Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
