i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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