If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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