All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
