Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
