thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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