i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
