I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
