New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
